Welcome to the first ever blog post from Exceptional DREAMS. This will be the start of a hopefully frequent occurrence of something that should at times be informative, funny, dramatic, or simply be thought provoking and provide perspective. I’m also hopeful I can feature community voices here as well. 

Let's Talk About Neurodiversity

For this first ever post, I thought it would be appropriate to talk about what neurodiversity is and my perspective on it. I particularly want to highlight why it is important to recognize it and why it is equally as important to understand how it shapes our conversations around excuses and how it can be used to avoid effort. This may sound a bit harsh, but I hope you’ll understand what I mean as you read further. 

Before we get there, however, what is neurodiversity? Like with just about everything else these days, it depends on who you ask. You’ll even see some folks arguing about whether or not neurodivergence and neurodiversity are different. Maybe they are — I’m not really here to focus on that — but I will be using the term neurodiversity more often, and it will be related to what I am talking about here. 

Many respected researchers and journals define neurodiversity as a “natural variation in how a person’s brain functions” and that there really is no “correct” way for one brain to operate. I subscribe to this definition and would also add that I think there is a long way to go in understanding how the brain works. As our understanding grows, we’ve seen an uptick in people identifying as neurodiverse, and I think it is important to understand that logically this makes it sound like the group that is often labeled as neurotypical is comparatively getting smaller — which must mean that the diverse group is no longer as diverse, right? But diversity was never about being outnumbered — it's about the range of variation that exists. It's more important for us to focus on what we are defining as “natural.” As we continue to develop in this Modern Age, how does this affect how we determine what a natural brain function looks like, regardless of what someone thinks is “correct” or not? Basically, all that to say: if you're the type to gatekeep your 'neurospicy' label (yes, that is a thing), don't worry. Even if you eventually fall into the majority, you’ll still be as neurodiverse as you were the day before. 

And that’s exactly why it’s important to recognize neurodiversity. Particularly in the workplace and at school. These two places often sadly allow for a lot of interpretation and we’ve already determined that there is no one “correct” way for a brain to function. Many neurodiverse people participate in a skill known as “masking.” This allows them to blend in and put on a “mask” that makes them appear to fit a system more cohesively, but it is often at a great cost of anxiety or energy to that person. This can also be a major source of frustration because oftentimes, it doesn’t need to be that way. Recognizing the differences in neurodiverse people allows you to create a more inclusive environment, and one that often functions more efficiently because of it. Many times the accommodations take nothing but kindness to implement. The easiest example to provide is that we’ve had it ingrained in us that eye contact is absolutely necessary to have a conversation and not presenting it makes you the most disrespectful person on the planet. It's understandable to see where this norm came from — eye contact has long been used as a cultural signal of trust and attentiveness — but if you break it down, it's actually a lazy way of thinking, and it keeps you from both a more efficient environment and personal growth. Let me say it one more time: there is more than one correct way for the brain to function! Not realizing this limits you personally, but I think that this is a two way street that starts with how we talk to each other about these differences. 

As humans, we seem to love excuses. But here is how I think about it: an explanation becomes an excuse the moment it stops being paired with accountability. Understanding why something happens should be the starting point of a solution — not the end of the conversation. The pattern often goes like this:

Person 1A: "I see you were late today."

Person 2A: "Well, traffic was really bad and there was an accident."

Person 1B: "It's not hard to sit still."

Person 2B: "Yeah, but I have all this anxious energy."

Person 1C: "It seemed like you weren't even paying attention to me — how disrespectful."

Person 2C: "Sorry, I can actually focus better if I look past you than at you."

Some of these responses are valid. Some are not. Part of the problem is that we shouldn't have to provide explanations for otherwise natural occurrences in the first place — which brings me back to my point about lazy communication. You are seriously limiting yourself if you cannot determine whether a person is listening to and respects you based on eye contact alone. This example can be applied to a variety of systems all across society. Many systems were not designed for neurodiverse people, and I’m here to say (in my opinion) that’s okay! This is why it is a two way street. If a neurotypical person walks into a room filled with neurodiverse people, the same level of understanding and accommodation should still occur, but in reverse. Likewise, it is not fair to ask a person to meet you anywhere that is not close to halfway. What I mean by that is all of us MUST understand our strengths, weaknesses, faults, and the things that are in our control versus those that are not. It is only possible to achieve growth if we know where we are starting — and if someone meets you at the start every single time, then you are never going to move forward. It is much harder to do in practice than it was to just write that down.  

So what does that look like in practice then? How does the efficient classroom or workplace respond? Let's try this again — but this time the pattern goes like this:

Person 1A: (Only after extreme or repeated lateness) "Hey, I've noticed you haven't been as punctual lately. I wanted to let you know that as it has become more habitual, it has been harder for us to collaborate as a group in the morning, even though I know you are making up your time later in the day. Is there anything I can do to support you?"

Person 2A: "Sorry for my repeated lateness. I appreciate that you noticed the time I took to make up for it, but I didn't realize I was affecting the rest of the group. Honestly, I get very nervous driving in the snow and have been leaving 20 minutes later each day during the winter to allow for the plows to make it through my neighborhood and so I can drive with less traffic. Is there any way we can collaborate remotely in the morning before we come to the office?"

Person 1A: "You know, that's actually a great idea for everyone. There's no reason on most days that we can't meet remotely. However, there may be days we just have to be in office, and I'd really like you to be there on time if possible. Because we schedule these meetings in advance, I will do my best to check the forecast during the winter months."

Person 2A: "Thank you for understanding. I will do my best to be there on time."

Person 1B: "Hey, it looks like you are having a hard time sitting still, and because that is really distracting for the rest of the class, I was wondering if you could help me come up with a creative way for you to release that energy without distracting the other students. Keep in mind that a lot of our students get distracted by loud noises and things they can see really easily, like large objects."

Person 2B: "Sorry, I was not trying to be distracting. Thank you for letting me know I was making it hard for others to get their work done. I really focus better when I'm moving around. I would love to come up with a new idea with you so that I can continue to do that."

Person 1B: "That sounds great — let's meet during (the time you're most often distracted)."

Person 1C: (After explaining something serious and deliberate to a student one-on-one and still unsure if it landed) "Sorry if I misunderstood, does everything I just said make sense?"

Person 2C: "Yes, sorry if it seemed like I wasn't paying attention."

Person 1C: “No problem at all. Thank you for helping me better understand.” 

(Monitor for future opportunities to understand communication style and attempt to gradually introduce societal norms. Student eventually expresses or shows comfortability and will show more visible attentiveness.) 

And oh yeah — don't forget that not all verbal communication comes through as intended or lands right away. This is why you can't always talk your way in or out of a scenario, and why monitoring body language and patterns matters. You'll also notice all of these examples were initiated by one party. And several times you may be dealing with a person already in a heightened state of anxiety who may not even be able to have a conversation yet. (It's probably better to clean up that spilled milk first anyway.) Complex enough for you yet? Let's think about that another time. 🙂

But if it was complex for you, then it’s almost certainly complex for a child and almost definitely a new concept. Of course, these children grow into adults, and I believe this is what Exceptional DREAMS is all about. Guiding these children to adulthood by providing them the support and tools they need to navigate and survive a world not built for them. You cannot count on others' empathy and even if you can count on the other party to initiate things for you, you still need to be able to hold up your end of the bargain on that two way street. You cannot use your neurodiversity as an excuse not to try. This is harder for some than others, and in a verbally dominated world, you will see who struggles with it the most. I’ll say it out loud and I’ll say it often: if you’ve met one neurodiverse person then you’ve met ONE neurodiverse person. Today’s strategy may not work for tomorrow's student, and I recognize how exhausting that can be when the world is already such an exhausting place without having to change what you’ve known as comfort your whole life. But many neurodiverse people live a lifetime being uncomfortable and we can all do a better job of figuring out where we fit in each other's lives. Let us be more empathetic and understanding, hold each other accountable and maintain high standards grounded in realism. We don’t need to run from our differences, but instead be honest about them and embrace them. It’s my belief that this temporary moment of accommodation and differentiation will lead to a more permanent solution that erases the need for organizations like mine that have to fight to find a place for neurodiverse students to fit in. 

I look forward to that day. 

Ryan Davis

Executive Director - Exceptional DREAMS